SURVIVING ADOLESCENCE
Introduction
The teenage years can feel like an emotional assault course for all
concerned. Parents and their teenage children can seem always to be at each
other's throats. However, recent studies have shown that most teenagers
actually like their parents and feel that they get on well with them. So why do
people find adolescence such a difficult time? It is a time of rapid physical
development and deep emotional changes. These can be exciting, but also
confusing and uncomfortable for teenager and parent alike. This article gives
information about these changes, the upheavals they can cause, the problems
that may crop up, and some ways of coping with them.
The changes of adolescence
People grow and mature quickly in adolescence. These changes start from
around the age of eleven for girls, thirteen for boys. The hormone changes
responsible actually begin some years earlier, and may produce periods of
moodiness and restlessness. Girls start these changes before boys. So, for the
first three or four years, they appear to be maturing much faster. After this,
boys catch up. By the age of 17, boys and girls have become young men and
women. They may be physically as big as their parents, and will be capable of
having children themselves. This is all complicated by the fact that a
daughter's ability to conceive may develop at the same time as her mother is
losing hers due to the menopause. The good times and opportunities enjoyed by
their adolescent children may make parents feel very middle-aged and envious.
It is not surprising that, with the speed of these changes, some adolescents
become very concerned about their appearance. They may need a lot of
reassurance, especially if they are not growing or maturing as quickly as their
friends. It may help to remember that individual teenagers develop at different
speeds.
Important milestones, such as the first period for girls, or the voice
breaking for boys, may happen at different ages in different individuals. All
this growth and development uses a lot of energy, and this may be why teenagers
often seem to need so much sleep. Their getting-up late may be irritating for
parents, but it is usually not just laziness.
As well as growing taller, starting to shave or have periods, people of this
age start to think and feel differently. They start to make close relationships
outside the family, with friends of their own age. Relationships within the
family also change. Parents become less all-important in their children's eyes
as they develop their life outside the family.
Real disagreements emerge for the first time as young people develop views
of their own that are often not shared by their parents. As a way of gaining a
sense of identity that is distinct from that of their families, adolescents
spend a lot of time in each other's company, or talk on the telephone to each
other. This is another thing that may irritate parents, but it is an important
way of gaining a sense of identity separate from the family. These friendships
are part of learning how to get on with other people. Clothes and appearance
become very important, both as a way of expressing solidarity with friends, and
as a way of declaring a growing independence from the family.
Parents often feel rejected, and in a sense they are. But this apparent
rejection is necessary for young people to become adults with their own
identity. Rows and arguments may be frequent, but adolescents will usually
still think highly of their parents. The rejections and conflicts are often not
to do with parents' personalities. They are to do with the fact that they are
parents, from whom their children must become independent if they are to have
their own life.
Striving to become more independent, young people will want to try out new
things, but when in difficulties may recognise that they have little experience
to fall back on. This may produce rapid changes in self-confidence and
behaviour (appearing to be very grown up one minute, very young the next).
Being upset or lacking confidence can make them feel childish, and is often
expressed in sulky behaviour rather than obvious distress. Parents have to be
pretty flexible to deal with this and may themselves feel quite stressed.
Taking risks
Adolescence is the time when people first start to learn about the world in
earnest, and to find their place in it. This involves trying out new
experiences, some of which may be risky or even dangerous. People of this age
crave excitement in a way that most adults find difficult to understand, and
exciting activities may be dangerous ones. Fortunately, most manage to find
their excitement in music, sport, or other activities that involve a lot of
energy but little real physical risk.
Whatever experimentation does take place (with drink, drugs or smoking) is
usually in the company of others. Those who do so alone are in much greater
danger. Warnings from adults are often ignored, although advice from older
adolescents will often be listened to.
Common problems
Emotional problems
Research has shown that at some time four out of ten adolescents feel so
miserable that they have cried and have wanted to get away from everyone and
everything. In the course of their adolescence, one in five think so little of
themselves that life does not seem worth living. These common feelings may
produce a state of depression that may not be obvious to other people.
Over-eating, sleepiness, and a persistent over-concern with appearance, may
also be signs of emotional distress. More obviously, phobias and panic attacks
may appear. Recent research has shown that emotional problems are often not
recognised, even by family and friends.
Sexual problems
The dramatic physical changes of adolescence can be very worrying to some
teenagers, especially to those who are shy and who do not like to ask
questions. At the other end of the scale, concern may show up in excessive
bragging about sexual ability and experiences. More than half will have had
their first experience of full sexual intercourse before they are 16, and so
the fear and risk of pregnancy are an important part of adolescent life. Also,
it is not legal for boys to have sex with girls who are under the age of 16.
Those who begin penetrative sex early are at greater risk of early pregnancy
and health problems. The new risks of HIV infection and AIDS are an added
worry. More fundamentally, a teenager may not be sure about their sexual
orientation, about whether they are gay or straight. This worry may be shared
by their parents. Sensitive support, clear guidance, and accurate information
about these different aspects of sex are greatly appreciated by teenagers (from
parents, school, family doctors, and sometimes family planning clinics).
Most adolescents are quite careful in their choice of partners. Promiscuity
and repeated, risky, unprotected intercourse are often signs of underlying
emotional problems. They may also reflect a risk- taking lifestyle; adolescents
who take risks in one way tend to take risks in many ways.
Behaviour problems
Teenagers and their parents complain about each other's behaviour. Parents
often feel they have lost any sort of control or influence over their child. At
the same time as wanting their parents to be clear, wanting some structure and
boundaries, adolescents resent parental restrictions on their growing freedom
and ability to decide for themselves. Disagreements are common, part of a young
person's struggle to forge a separate identity. This is all quite normal, but
it may reach a point where parents really have lost control, not knowing where
their children are, who they are with, or what is happening to them. Experience
suggests that children are more likely to get into trouble if their parents do
not know where they are. So, it is important that they let their parents know
where they are going, but also that their parents take the trouble to ask.
School problems
Adolescents who refuse to go to school commonly have difficulty in
separating from their parents, and this may have happened in primary school.
They will also often have physical symptoms such as head-ache or stomach-ache.
At the same time, it is always worth checking out the possibility that they are
being bullied.
Bullying is a common problem, but one that young people find hard to talk
about. It can make going to school a lonely, miserable, and frightening
experience, and can cause lasting problems such as depression and anxiety, lack
of confidence, and difficulty in making friends. Parents can help by making
sure that the school has an effective anti-bullying policy, and informing
teachers when their help is needed.
Those who go to school and then play truant are usually unhappy at home and
frustrated at school, so spend their days with others who feel the same way.
Emotional problems will often affect school work. It is difficult to
concentrate if you are worried about yourself or about what is happening at
home.
The pressure to do well, and to pass exams, may come from parents or
teachers. But adolescents usually want to do well, and will push themselves if
given the chance. Excessive nagging can be counter-productive. Exams are
important, but they should not be allowed to dominate life or to cause
unhappiness.
Trouble with the law
Most young people do not break the law, and those who do are usually boys.
When they do, it usually only happens once. Repeated offending may reflect a
family culture, but may also result from unhappiness or distress. It is always
worth asking about these feelings when an adolescent is repeatedly getting into
trouble.
Eating problems
It is common for adolescents to be unhappy because they are over-weight. If
they are criticised or made fun of, they may come to dislike themselves and may
become significantly depressed. This may set up a vicious circle - they do
little and eat to make themselves feel better but this only makes the weight
problem worse. Dieting can actually aggravate the situation - it is more
important that they feel happy with themselves whether they are fat or thin.
Many teenagers do diet, particularly girls, but fortunately very few will
develop serious eating disorders such as anorexia or bulimia. However, these
disorders are more likely to occur in someone who takes up serious dieting, who
has a poor opinion of themself, is under stress, or has been overweight as a
child (see the Royal College of Psychiatrists "Help is at Hand"
leaflet on Anorexia and Bulimia).
Drugs, solvents and alcohol
Most teenagers do not use drugs or inhale solvents, and most that do never
get beyond experimenting with them. Despite the publicity about other drugs,
alcohol is the drug which most commonly causes problems for adolescents. The
possibility of any form of drug use should be considered when parents notice
serious, sudden, changes in behaviour.
Abuse
Physical, emotional, and sexual abuse can happen in adolescence, and may
cause many of the problems mentioned above. Families with these problems need
expert advice and should seek help. Some helpful organisations are listed at
the end of this article.
Less common problems
Much less often, gradual changes in behaviour and mood can be the signs of a
more serious psychiatric disorder. Although uncommon, manic depression and
schizophrenia may start in the teenage years. Extreme withdrawal may be a sign
of schizophrenia, although there are usually other explanations. Parents who
are concerned about these possibilities should get in touch with their family
doctor (see the Royal College of Psychiatrists "Help is at Hand"
leaflet on schizophrenia).
Parental co-operation
Adolescence can be a time when the process of growing up can help people to
make positive changes, and to put the problems of the past behind them. It is
not just a difficult stage, although it can feel very much like it at times.
The worry felt by parents is more than matched by the periods of uncertainty,
turmoil, and unhappiness, experienced by the adolescent. In spite of this, most
do not develop serious problems, although difficult times come and go.
Most difficulties in adolescence are not serious or long-term, although this
may be cold comfort for those who are struggling to get through it. Parents may
even feel that they have failed. However, whatever may be said in the heat of
the moment, parents still play a crucial part in their children's lives. One of
their jobs is to provide a secure base for their children to come back to. For
this to happen, parents have to agree how they are going to handle things and
have to support each other. It is usually very bad news when one parent allies
themself with a child against the other parent.
The next requirement is rules. However fast teenagers may be growing up,
parents are still the providers and it is reasonable that they should decide
what the ground rules are, although they can be negotiated. Whilst adolescents
may protest, sensible rules can be the basis for security and can actually cut
down the number of arguments. They must be clear, so that everybody knows where
they stand, and they must be applied fairly and consistently.
Rules should be reasonable and less restricting as older children become
more responsible. Parents need to sort out what is important and what is not,
so that there are not rules for everything. While some things are not
negotiable, there should be room for bargaining on others. Sanctions such as
grounding or loss of pocket money will work better if they are established in
advance. These should never be threatened if they are not going to be carried
out.
Another task for adults is to be a source of advice, sympathy, and comfort.
Children will only use them in this way if they know that their parent will not
jump down their throat or come out with a glib judgement, advice, or criticism.
Listening is what is needed first.
Lastly, parents should not expect their children to be grateful. They
probably will not be until they have children of their own, and realise what an
exhausting task it is!
Help and advice
Sometimes, a family or teenager just cannot cope any more. Worries about
problems with physical developments can be discussed with the family doctor,
who may also be able to help with emotional problems.
When problems arise at school, parents need to talk to teachers. If there
seem to be difficulties with learning, the school can ask an educational
psychologist to do an assessment. Psychologists can help with learning
difficulties, but can also offer counselling if relationship problems are the
issue. Adolescents who experience turmoil or distress for more than a few
months (persistent depression, anxiety, eating disorders, or difficult
behaviour) generally need extra help. Counselling agencies may be suitable if
things have not gone too far. They exist for both young people and their
parents, and some are listed below. However, expert help may be needed from
Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services. They offer mainly out-patient
treatment and can be contacted through a family doctor.
As they grow older, adolescents want to be more private and independent.
They may, quite naturally, wish to see the doctor on their own. The law allows
them to agree to their own treatment from the age of 16, or younger in some
circumstances.
Useful organisations
The following organisations offer help and advice on many of the matters
discussed above:
- Parentline (
 01702 559 900) is a confidential
help-line for parents to discuss problems about their children; it has 26 local
branches
- Childline ( 0800 1111) is a free national helpline for
children in trouble or danger; it provides a 24-hour confidential counselling
service
- Exploring Parenthood ( 020-7221 6681) is a parent's help and
advice line which can refer on to qualified counsellors for further help;
office hours are from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m., Monday to Friday
- Parent Network ( 020-7485 8535) offers a listening ear to parents,
and an opportunity to learn new ways to deal with the everyday ups and downs of
living with teenagers
- Brook Advisory Service ( 020-7713 9000) provides
contraceptive advice and counselling for all teenagers and young people;
confidentiality is assured for all ages
- Anti-Bullying Campaign (10 Borough High Street, London, SE1 9QQ)
- Family Planning Association ( 020-7837 5432) helps to contact local
family planning clinics
- Young Minds Helpline ( 0345 626376) is run by a charity
which promotes the mental health of children, young people and their families;
they provide information and advice
- Samaritans ( see local telephone directory or call
Directory Enquiries); central London branch emergency line:
020-7734 2800; national helpline:
0345 909090; Samaritans offer a 24-hour telephone
befriending service (confidential) for the suicidal and despairing
- Finally, Tapewise Ltd has produced a series of audio tapes and booklets
about adolescence and common problems. The series is devised by Dr John Coleman
of the Trust for the Study of Adolescence. Contact them at:
Tapewise Ltd
23 New Road
Brighton
East Sussex
BN1 1WZ
01273 693311
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